An Transparenting Overview for
CULTIVATING CARING & Finding Resolutions
Conflict
Resolution Methods: How do we deal with students hurting each other?
(unfriendly behaviors: name calling, physical contact, or hurting
others belongings)
This
was created when I started teaching Communications, Creativity, and Life
Skills at a K-9 private school where the teachers screamed at the students
constantly to do as they wished - often times with no explanations especially
with repeat offender where it became a war of wills. The playground alone
was filled with so many "safety" rules I could not keep track of
what to call them on when I watched them. I saw how this environment created
somewhat neurotic students with a pecking order of bullies leading to the
teachers who acted as the biggest bullies. Knowing that the other teachers
where doing what they feel "worked" I had to use their system -
so I did my best. They had a reward system and if they had felt a child had
acted up they got no pop-cicle at the end of a hot day while everyone else
did and ate it in front of them mocking them. I found that it made the person
even more angry and usually they ms-behaved even more because of this unfair
action. Interestingly enough, the older students were really lazy towards
doing their school work and I found it was because they had lost their own
motivation for learning and because of this "behaviorism reward"
approach (getting "rewards" at the end of the week in the form of
fake money that they can spend in the school store for the amount of good
work and behavior) lead to them having a "what will I get for it"
mode. More so, if a there was a conflict between students - the teachers acted
as judge and jury and both were put on time out so they could "stew"
in their anger, especially if it was not their fault at all. Needless to say,
I could see that this system wasn't working... especially all the screaming
and punishment that did not teach the students how to resolve their differences.
I had to come up with a better solution and that's how "The Friendship
Circle" was born.
Empowering students to communicate if they
fight..
If a teacher doe not see a conflict in action themselves - they have
to rely on those who did see it, and they ask "what happened"? Usually,
if many students say the same thing - it is what happened. However, if we
did not see it ourselves then we have to take in account that we are depending
on what other's say. At times students may stretch the truth, give "their"
version of it, or even at times lie, especially if they are involved with
the conflict. Mostly students lie to avoid punishments - because their "being
wrong" is connected to "shame" and harsh consequences. If being
honest is held as very important and our focus is on keeping a loving connection
with the students and them with each other at all times - then we have set
a standard of behavior with our love not our fear.
This standard is even more important when students behave in ways that don't
support a caring environment. Most important though is that they are given
"an out with dignity" to learn how to behave differently. Otherwise,
it feels like there is no way to win and they get confused with these feelings.
People act “selfishly” when they feel that their needs are not
being met and/or their feelings are not being accounted for in decisions that
involve them. Often times, there is conflicts at home and I have found that
there is a good reason for their bad behavior and if it is a "cry for
help" so to speak, then how we handle it becomes an even more important
issue.
Our main concept for cultivating friendly behavior is based on the golden
rule: "Treat others how you would like to be treated". However,
different people have different feelings about how they would like to be treated
and what feeling safe means to them. For instance, one student may have a
family that hugs a lot and he may reach out to touch another student. Yet
that student is not OK with that because their family only hugs at certain
times and only after knowing someone a lot better. Another example is that
in some cultures they feel that looking into someone eyes is important to
really connect with them. While in other cultures, they feel that looking
in the eyes of an elder is disrespectful. So we all want to be treated with
respect and yet we all have different definitions of what that is. What we
ask the student and teachers to do is continually pay attention to reactions
and keep: "Checking in" by asking the person "Can I give you
a hug?" before we give one. That way we know what’s appropriate
for each person and can respect what that is. This is also important when
we are giving feedback to one another, we need to first “Check in”
to know if now is a good time and they want our feedback. Also, we all have
personal space as far as our arm goes out around us. This is our protective
bubble and we all need to respect each other’s personal space and have
ours be respected to feel safe - I use the hoo-lah hoop to give a visual of
this space all around them. Another part of feeling safe means that “mean”
humor (jokes about a person) is not allowed and treated in the same manor
as any other kind of unfriendly behavior. We feel, that if the idea is to
resolve the conflict through showing that caring for our friends is what's
most important - then, less conflicts occur in the long run. We find that
focusing on punishments for bad behavior only snowballs bad behaviors &
"getting even" type motivations. Students begin telling on each
other when ever they get the chance and this creates an unfriendly environment.
We have found that shame and humiliation never motivates anyone to act better.
The most productive idea is to have them understand how they made each other
feel because of the conflict. Empathy and empowering consequences (to help
the person who’s toy they lost to find it) is the best tool to good
behavior and helps to create a friendly caring environment around the school,
as well as in their lives outside school and in the future.
When teachers do their best to offer an environment where feelings matter
then needs can be voiced in constructive ways. If valid needs are for some
reason not being met, together we will find a way to meet them. We do our
best to cultivate patience and taking turns is an important way to learn/show
patience. We do our best to be fair so that everyone who wants to has a turn
and has a voice. We know that treating students fairly shows them what fairness
is - and they are then attracted to being fair and standing up for fairness.
This
is our method to help cultivate and enable CARING Behaviors.
The focus is on getting them to understand how important it is that we care
about each other -
not so much the specifics of what happened and who's fault it was.
1. Gather the students that are involved in a conflict together to the "Peacekeepers"
area. (Make sure the others students are safe - if crucial ask another Teacher
to watch the class/playground while the resolution is happening.)
2. If there was an obvious one who was hurt ask them first to tell what happened.
(This way the one who hurt does not get the idea that hurting others gets
attention.) If it's not obvious, then the one who is most calm should speak
first, while the other one calms down and listens. If they are both wound
up emotionally, ask them both to calm down by taking a few deep breaths and
saying something like: "Each of you have something important to say yet
we can't hear anything with both of you/everyone talking at once."
3. Once the energy is calmer, we listen to each tell what happened. Emphasis
is on letting each one speak while everyone involved listens. Many times they
won't agree on what happened and will start arguing again. Calming down then
becomes the focus until active listening (they are showing that they care
what the other is saying) is really happening. We feel it is very important
that those involved speak to each other, rather than to the teacher who is
acting as mediator - not a judge where each pleas their side of the story.
The goal is to get them to use their words if they feel upset with someone,
and we model it for them how best to tell someone what they feel in a constructive
way. This process develops empathy for others and consideration for all concerned.
It is especially important that the one who was hurt speak to the one who
hurt them and they tell them how is made them feel to get hurt by them. If
both got hurt, they need to both tell each other how it felt to get hurt by
the other one and if more are involved each needs a turn to speak.
4. It is important to help them to understand how hurting others not only
hurts the other person, it also hurts the friendship that they share and the
trust that we have in our school. Once this is understood we can together
find a way to remedy the situation. We do our best to let the students come
up with solutions whenever possible. However first, we say we are sorry to
each other. It is explained that saying you are sorry does not mean you are
"guilty" especially when most conflicts happen because of equally
unfriendly behavior. Saying you are sorry to the one you hurt means you are
sorry that they got hurt - it mean you care about them. So after we say we
are sorry, we come up with a way to have it not happen again. We can shake
hands or give a hug and go play kindly with each other or whatever is appropriate
for the situation. For instance, if we break someone's toy, then fixing it
or make arrangements to get them another one. Perhaps it’s as simple
as gluing a broken piece or finding a lost toy with them. We focus on being
fair and showing how fairness feels. It helps everyone to feel like an important
contributor to the friendly feelings around the school. It helps us to share
in the caring environment we are co-creating. This way each student is a Peacekeeper
and is an important part of a peaceful, caring environment.
Sometimes, the one who hurt the other is making it obvious that they "don't
care" that they hurt them or is too busy denying it (to avoid a punishment
or to be "right") they may say that they are sorry, but obviously
not mean it by saying it in an insincere way. We make sure to frame this as:
they are "acting" like they don't care. Because deep down inside
we know they do. We then ask them, "How does it feel to “act”
like you don't care that you hurt someone who cares about you?” If they
still continue to “act” like they don't care about hurting others,
then they are asked to sit alone at the peacekeepers area and think about
how lonely it must feel not to care about their friend's feelings. They are
given examples of others showing them that they care about them. Without shame
or blame they are asked to get in touch with their own feelings about why
they act unfriendly – if they want to they can write their feelings
down or draw a picture about it. The teacher checks in from time to time to
see if they are getting any answers. Then later, in a private conference the
teacher and student can talk about what was discovered during this introspective
time. This is not framed as a punishment. It is instead framed as the natural
consequence of not caring about their friends in a caring environment. We
enroll all the students in protecting and co-creating a friendly caring environment
at their school. Everyone agrees that it is harder to learn and grow in an
unfriendly environment and we all have an important part in making the school
a place where everyone feels safe and able to express themselves in a way
that’s constructive to make this school the best it can be.
Empowering students with “The Friendship
Circle”
Repeat offenders of the peace are asked to be part of a group discussion with
the other students called: The Friendship Circle. It is made clear that this
is their behavior and not who they are. One by one, each student tell the
student who sits in the middle of the circle examples unfriendly things they
did and how it made them feel. It has to be a real example (knocking down
their Lego's creation or pushing them away from the drinking fountain to go
first) or making negative comments on their art/school work or about how they
look or clothes they wear, harming their belongings and especially hurting
them physically. As we go around the circle the example is given and then
how the person feels when that person does that to them is said to the person
in the middle. The person in the middle is asked not to look down and is asked
just to listen and not rebuttal every statement. As the facilitator I make
sure the comments are constructive and defend the person in the middle if
they go too far to go after them. Then, they are asked to acknowledge it by
telling how it feels to them to have hurt their friend in this way. The person
in the middle is encouraged to say they are sorry (because they hurt their
feelings – not because they were “wrong” and are being shamed
for it.) And the person who has had the harm done is encouraged to say thank
you to them saying sorry. Then, the person who told the example is asked to
tell the person in the center if there is anything that they have done kindly
towards them and to thank them for it. Unfortunately, there were some students
who the other students could not remember any kind action from. If this is
true they need to hear that. Yet most of the time there is a kind thing that
they did and it really helps to balance the experience that they hear both
things. Then after each person has spoken to the person in the center –
then they get a chance to speak if they have something to say. Then, together
everyone discusses what they can do to find better solutions for unfriendly
behaviors and the person in the middle is encouraged to help come up with
solutions. They are told to remember these suggestions and to help remind
people who are being unfriendly by coming up to them and if possible whispering
in their ear without making a big deal of it kindly saying "remember
the circle".
Also, we talk about how we say what we say to each other, with what tone of
voice - that this is just as important. At the end we all join the circle
again and everyone holds hands and together says 3x's "remember the circle."
If the unfriendly behaviors still do not change another circle is scheduled
with their parents there and together we all come up with solutions to cultivate
more friendly behaviors. If the unfriendly behaviors continue then the student
is asked to leave the school.
We are proud to say that we have never gotten this far into the process where
a student needed to leave. Most students want to improve themselves and are
just looking for a way to do it that doesn't make them feel like there is
something “wrong” with them. They need an out from this unfriendly
behavior that is sincere to them and is not forced. We are looking to cultivate
more than good behavior. We are cultivating well-being and caring in an interdependent
way. A way where their needs are being met and they understand how they are
affecting others with their behaviors. This approach is a win-win situation
all the way around.
OUR PEACEKEEPERS MOTTO: WE ALL WANT TO HAVE FUN –
SO THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK OR ACT IN AN UNFRIENDLY WAY:
“How would it make me feel if someone said or did that to me?”
“CHECK IN” WITH YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT WHAT IT MEANS
TO THEM TO BE FRIENDLY.
OUR SCHOOL IS A PLACE WHERE WE ALL CARE ABOUT EACHOTHER
AND WE ARE ALL KEEPERS OF OUR PEACE.
IT’S A PLACE WHERE KINDNESS RULES!
Back to home page