This is an
organic process.. allow yourself to be in a space of service and you will
be shown the perfect example and the best time to connect with them about
it.
Remember:
People act like bullies because they were bullied by others and they
believe that that is the only way to motivate people to do what they
want.
Inspiration of someone who lives what they speak is the only real motivation
- everything else backfires.
And knowing that people do want what's good for them -
it does not need to be forced.
So
please wait until the person in question has behaved in a way that is
without question not good for the group.. or themselves or the relationship
and save this as an concrete example.
It's usually best not to talk to them at that time because they will
be much more defensive about it
and for sure not when others are around.
Patiently wait until you are have a connected moment or at least there
is a relative ease in the interactions. Then, ask them if it's a good
time to talk
(or when that might be) and if you could go somewhere in
private so you won't be interrupted.
Steps
To Remember..
1.
Validate
2. Appreciate
3. Give an "out with dignity"
It's
good to begin by telling them how much
you can see that they care about the family,
business, marriage, or whatever community
that you both are part of.
And that you know they care
about how they do -
it's good to remember something
they do really well
and tell them about it.
Be sure not to sound patronizing...
BE SINCERE or don't do it. In fact,
you must really like something about the person
or it's best not to do this either.
Then ask them if they are interested in your insight
about something that happened recently.
If they say yes, then again tell them that you know
they want what's best for everyone and if there is
a quality that you honestly admire about them -
this is a good time to say something about it.
When you feel a sense of rapport -
then continue with telling them about the
example that you witnessed
and how it made you feel and that you know that
they didn't intend to make you feel that way -
then see what they have to say.
Listen!
Giving
An Out With Dignity
When you begin with the first 3 steps you make a real connection
and you can ask to give a clear example that is unquestionably
off
for everyone involved and how it made you feel - if done while
holding the first 3 step in your words - the person should understand
how you felt and if you say you are sorry for your part in it
and that sorry doesn't mean you are wrong or bad.
It means you are sorry you hurt the person's feelings -
that you care about them.
If they hear you are not threatening them - you are supporting
them into new behaviors that are best for their own goals as
well.
This
allows the person a way to apologize and still keep their dignity.
When we forgive them we have touched our hearts and now -
it's time to negotiate.
Instant
Karma Is A Gift
The important thing is this...
UNDERSTANDING THAT IF WE HURT OTHERS IN ANY WAY -
WE HURT OURSELVES.
If we curse someone - we curse our soul.
If we steal from someone, we steal from our soul.
There is no getting away with it... as some justify unkind actions.
If you feel better putting other people down...
then you will not feel the effects of your behavior
and more of your time will be spent
in that behavior... some might feel when they had woken up
from that behavior like they wasted their time in it.
The only lesson that starts the journey and keeps you there
is that kindness is just a lot more fun and it feels better
inside.
Some
people have watched those before them act as bullies
to get stuff done.
They
feel that if they bully people into productovity
they will get better results - yet just the opposite is true.
And most reasonable people would agree...
and yet then people might start talking about it happening...
eventhough we all think it is not cool...
and yet still it is there at work.
What will it take to educate people to know
that it is not getting them what they really want...
and it isn't even helping with what they think they want either...
CONTROL... or ruling through fear is a huge burdon
to carry with you on your walk.
People are thinking that they are being productive
with negative force.
If may appear like it is more productive to bully that way
yet in the long run it will not bear as much fruit
as productivity that is filled with happy employees,
or happy family members, or ball team, or whatever.
Any group that has a focus... needs leader who brings
out the best in each person... how do they do it?
They are using
INNER MOTIVATION & KINDNESS
and each one feeds the other and it is contagious
because deep inside everyone want to be happy.
Their inner motivation was taken from them
and so they forgot about kindness... and as one finds inner
motitivation they feel better about themselves...
become kinder with themselves and that makes them kinder
to everyone around them.
If you have ever been in a play... or on a movie set
everyone works togetherto do the show -
and if the director is fun and laid back while being
inspirationally insightful
the show is magical.
If the director is picky and critisizes a lot & is stressed
out -
the actors hold back and there is a tension that always around.
|
When
you begin with the first 3 steps you make a real connection and you
can ask to give a clear example that is unquestionably off for everyone
involved and how it made you feel - if done while holding the first
3 step in your words - the person should understand how you felt and
if you say you are sorry for your part in it and that sorry doesn't
mean you are wrong or bad. It means you are sorry you hurt the person's
feelings - that you care about them. If they hear you are not threatening
them - you are supporting them into the new behavior that is best for
their own goals as well. This allows the person a way to apologize and
still keep their dignity. When we forgive them we have touched our hearts
and now -
it's time to negotiate. |
WHY SPEAK UP?
We
can choose to be a "victim"
(run away and say nothing)
or a "rebel" (fight for what is "right")
or we can choose to take the sensitivity of the "victim" and
the strength of the "rebel" to
seek what is true & defend it when we put the two together...
we become the HERO.
The hero of our own lives..
The star of our own movie.
The Rockstar in our own rock concert...
Put
it up to your mirror
use your own setting & characters
find what rings true... listen to your
inner motivation and it will lead your to kindness...
and kindness grows inner motivation live a deliberate extraordinary
life.
What do we do when there's conflict? Remember every good
story
needs conflict and the quality
of the movie is in
HOW the conflict is handled.
Points
to remember:
1) Continually give them
an "out with dignity".
2) Be constructively honest about your feelings without judging them
for their actions or reactions.
3) Keep affirming to them
(and to you) that they are not their behaviors, that who they are -
is much more and that you are holding a space for that.
4) Continually offer kindness that's honest and loving while still being
clear about what's really going on through offering exact examples of
non-productive bully behaviors that are told in a constructive perspective
of what's best for all concerned (including them).
5) Keep focused on the relationship that you share, and assuring them
that you are committed to doing what's best for it, not just for you
or for them.
6) Keep affirming that you are in this together and that we all deserve
real happiness in this life and bully behaviors never leads
to real happiness.
Help them to see that it's not
in THEIR
best interest
to act this way.
Often
it's for the first time they have the ability to see how they
are behaving without feeling the need to defend it because of
the shame that most corrections contain. When it's done effectively
- they see a person with a gentle strength who is an example of
a kind loving (transparenting) parent who patiently explains,
and more importantly who's an example of why & how to do things
in this way. Emphasizing that no matter how hidden it may be,
we all do want & deserve joy.
Handling things in this manner they see (again, sometimes for
the first time) that we all win when we are considerate, kind
and loving in our interactions and our whole world grows a bit
more livable. If we stay in our hearts and listen to how they
feel while asking questions that allow them to come to conclusions
for solutions as to how to handle things differently - rather
than give them "advice" - they can be completely disarmed
or at least the walls around their hearts crack a bit..
(or even a gate has been made in a wall, so that certain people
that earn their trust may come in through it.)
Because we handle things in this way, our friends & loved
ones
(especially our kids) come back to us in time of need. However,
interdependence happens when we are able to also go to these friends
& loved ones when we are hurting and seek counsel - creating
balanced interdependent relationships through receiving as well
as giving. |
Have you had ENOUGH of:
"PLAYGROUND POLITICS"
"Passive-Agressive Sabotage"
& "HARD NEGOTIATIONS"?
IS
"TAKING IT"
REALLY BEING KIND?
IS IT TIME TO
TAKE BACK YOUR POWER
IN A KIND WAY?
LEADERSHIP
BULLY SAFE TRAINING
6
Programs:
Singles, Couples,
Kids,
Parents, Teachers, & Artists
Empowerment
Through
Expressive Arts
Leadership through | |
