Earning all our gifts
(instead of just getting them without earning them unless it is a birthday or holiday)
is one of the best ways to train kids (& ourselves)
towards joyful self-discipline and thus creating good behaviors because they know what that brings and want it for themselves.

Choosing a goal and working to make it happen with those around you.
Is also important and it allows them to choose the behavior because of the reward.
This will allow them to work for what they want in their lives with joy and self-respect.

Again it is very important how it is done.
This is from our personal experience with our own son..
we did a points system with these guidelines.

1. They must choose their gift and it must be negotiated on by what can be budgeted in by the parents.. and it is important that they know what that is. Rewards do not have to be things that are bought only - they can also be a picnic or other fun times together. Or a play date with a friend going to a special place. The only part that is important is that the child must choose the reward.

2. Together you must decide how many points the item or event is worth.

3. The tasks that earn points are ones the show responsibility and they have to be clear.
You can do 1/2 points if help is needed to follow it through. It is more important that we teach our children how to joyfully make their room beautiful by letting them decide where everything goes in their room. They will enjoy putting things away more if they have a choice in where things go. Of course you can discuss why something is a better choice.. if you are reasonable with them, they will in return be reasonable most of the time. Ending with a "done dance" in celebration of accomplishing is also good to give closure to the experience, besides the point(s) that was earned.

4. Points should not be too easy or hard to earn. You are also empowering them with negotiation techniques and joyful follow-through of tasks.

Then earning points got more and more complicated..
How many points is each task worth?
Negotiating all the time.. as a parent it was exhausting.
So then we came up with a simpler idea... Gold Star Behavior.

The most important thing that he earns gold stars is
for handling hard situations eloquently!

Here is what is posted in his room with a calendar
and all his school commitments are on it - days off, play dates, special events.

Gold Star Behavior

Rewards For Doing There (& Telling You Only 1-3x's Before You Do It.)
Big Gold Stars are placed at each location where you do this to remind you of it without us having to remind you to do it.

1. Brushing you teeth in the morning & before bed with the water pic.
(Big Gold Star in Bathroom)
2. Homework done on time - a little each day (1-2 pg. or a project)
(Big Gold Star at your desk)
3. Reading at least 20 minutes a day. (Bonus for more time reading.)
(Big Gold Star at your bookshelf)
4. Go through each spelling word with flashcards & visualize them. (5x's a day.)
(Big Gold Star near flashcards)
5. Dirty clothes in the hamper (If you are not sure, ask if it is dirty/if not put on hooks)
ALL dirty dishes in sink.
(Big Gold Star above hamper/hooks & Big Gold Star at kitchen sink -
BONUS for washing dishes)
6. Help with lunch (to make sure you get what you want)
help while making it/buying food at store/going over what
you ate when you get home so we can see what you liked
and what you didn't and what you want again.
(Big Gold Star at pantry)

EXTRA POINTS FOR THIS:
7. Seeing what you enjoy doing that would be helpful to us, and any ideas of what would be best for us all to help organize our lives/schedules/duties/needs. Or anything that would improve our lives in other ways. Mostly, you get gold stars for handling hard situations well.
You are doing so well at this and you should be very proud of yourself for all that good work you are doing to make good choices in your life.

Then, at his chart where he earns or doesn't earn the gold stars (or other stickers that he likes) On some days he earns more than one sticker. One day he came home and pulled out his homework and just started doing it without me saying one word. On that day I gave him 3 stars. One for doing his homework, one for doing it without being told to, and one for getting all the math pages done that night. Then, the rewards happen more in flow with our life - while shopping - he can choose a toy/thing that is under 5 dollars because he has been doing "Gold Star Behavior" lately he gets it and that is explained each and every time to re-enforce it. If he hasn't then he can sometimes by it and get it when he is doing gold star behavior yet he knows our budget so he can't do that all the time. We can also know it is there and get it later. I tell him we will and then go and do it to re-enforce it. If he wants an educational game we often times will just buy that or pay 1/2. If something is more than 5 dollars then we give him ways to earn the money and #7 becomes very important to find things he can do to earn the money that he wants to buy something. He is earning some money with acting/modeling. 1/2 goes into a bank account for his collage fund. The other half he can spend as he chooses - within reason. In fact, this whole program is about being reasonable. Reasonable of what we ask of him and reasonable that he can earn more money if he wants to. This was very important to him, he felt like he needed ways to earn money. When he assists us on a hard task we pay him a few dollars for it. We want him to have a really good feeling from buying things he earns. And he really does feel good when he gives the cashier his money that he earned for his things he wants to buy. Mostly though, we reward for handling hard things well and any time good behavior comes from him, not our coaching him. We want him to have a good feeling for what is good for him - so he is attracted to it and sees himself as someone who makes good choices and is a good student and a good son. He is never told otherwise and so we re-enforce that image of him with each time he is rewarded. This along with a good social & school life has made our son a very happy and healthy boy. He has taught us just as much as we have taught him. We appreciate his addition to the decision making in our family. His voice is always heard - yet we as a couple make the final decision I learned that "united front" from watching the Brady Bunch growing up. The most functional family I had ever seen.. real or not - it gave me images of what was possible. To make a home a welcome place for every one who enters - is our vision.

so be it


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